Got a toothbrush?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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