plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
