I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
