weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
