I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
