i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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