Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
