don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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