Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
