He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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