Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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