they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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