Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
