WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
