It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
