Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize