So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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