Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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