My Higher Power is John Stamos
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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