I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
