i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
