i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
