I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
