I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
