I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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