So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
