I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
