I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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