Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
FUCK WHALES
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
