my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
