ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
