You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
