not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
