So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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