He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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