this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
