I met the friendliest cop last night
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
