My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
