you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
