Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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