This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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