are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
