Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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