I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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