Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Enjoy the penises
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
