So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
