doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize