got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
