just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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