if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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