At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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