there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she looked like the before picture.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize