you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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