Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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