Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
