I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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