Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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