so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
