I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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