She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
