We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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