so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
