I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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