hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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