I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
