The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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