Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
