put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
